Everyday I walk my sons into school. I pass by the “Lost and Found” rack full of coats, jackets, shirts, hats, etc. How do so many of these things go missing so often? Do the kids not notice they don’t have a coat on? Aren’t they cold? That made me start thinking about being lost and not realizing it. It made me think of being found in a more profound way. Many people sing “I once was lost, but now I’m found, was blind, but now I see” in church. “Amazing Grace” has always been a favorite of mine that brings me to tears…every…single….time I hear it or sing it. I used to think the journey of faith was like that. I was once so lost and blind, but now I’m found and I see. Linear like that right? Not quite. Well, it was true that I was lost and then found. When God found me in 2011, I was utterly and desperately lost and blind. My physical and emotional health were at an all time low. My relationships were in shambles and I was desperate for a job. My son was diagnosed with special needs I was financially incapable of providing for. I tried to figure it out on my own and just ended up digging myself into a deep, dark hole. Utterly lost. I was brought to my knees and begging to be found and my eyes opened. They were. Through a strange series of events and people who came into my life at just the right time, I was found. I was changed. I had always thought it was just a cliche, but in spite of my skepticism, it happened to me! It all started with being brought low and admitting on the floor of my bathroom ugly crying that I was lost and blind, begging to see and be found.
But, it doesn’t just end there nice and tidy like that. I wasn’t just a shirt that was dirty and nasty and got washed and hung up nice and neat in the closet never to be dirtied or worn and torn again. I still go out every day into this world and face my past and my struggles that are still there, struggles I have learned how to deal with rather than allow to control my entire life. I still get lost (although not as badly lost as before thank God) and I still get found (thank God) on a regular basis. Sometimes a daily basis. Kind of like how my kids misbehave, go to time out to think, tell me they are sorry and love me and will never misbehave again only to go through the same. darn. thing! a couple of days later. They are still learning…so am I. I haven’t lost my shirt in a long time, so I know I’m making progress.
Sometimes in life, in spite of our best intentions and plans, we find ourselves backsliding. Like that darn game chutes and ladders, we are just plugging along and we think we are making progress and we are gonna win this thing! Woohoo! Then, we roll a 5 and land on a chute space and go sliding back down. Slides can be kind of fun even, until you land on your bottom in the dirt and realize, no, you aren’t back to “Start” but you went from space 65 to space 40 and now 3 people are ahead of you! Last place! Ugh, how did this happen?! When we were in the lead! We can either chose to get dejected and quit the game early to avoid the possibility of not winning or we can say “well at least I’m not where I started”, roll again and pray for a ladder space. Sometimes I get a ladder space and I’m like “wow! I didn’t expect that!” and I feel so grateful. Those are like the little epiphanies I have sometimes when I have a heart-to-heart with a friend who is also trying to move forward, read an inspiring book, spend some quiet time with Jesus, be still and sense God in nature, or sometimes I’m just driving in my car and some kind of wisdom hits me like a 2 x 4 over the head, etc. Life and my faith journey is a lot like “Chutes and Ladders.” Down and up, side to side, slide down, climb up, be pulled up, slide a little, ask for help, get lost, get found, daily. Thank God “Found” is not a one-time-only, limited time offer.
It’s dangerous to tell yourself you are just found, found, found and don’t struggle with “that” anymore, whatever “that” thing is for you. In my experience, Jesus broke my chains, but I still have to chose day to day to step out of them or just sit in those broken chains. If I’m honest with myself, I step out of the broken chains and I realize that there are certain situations I just don’t need to be in or its like picking up broken chains and wrapping them back around myself like some kind of security blanket. Sometimes standing up, stepping out of the broken chains is a weird feeling, “ok what now?” is my usual question. I fear boredom, I fear stagnation, I fear depression, I fear being dumpy, put upon, a “beast of burden” (thanks Rolling Stones), and most of all, unloved and unappreciated. I can let all of those fears rise to a roar in my mind so loud that I just get lost or I can say “God please find me, help me not get lost…again” every morning, every hour, every breath. If I fix my eyes on your love, on You, Jesus, the epitome of grace and mercy who laid down your life to try and wake us the bleep up in a dramatic way and save all of us who perpetually find ourselves lost, I am found over and over in wave after wave of your grace and mercy. Your hand is ALWAYS outstretched to me and to all. Sometimes I turn my back on you and still when I turn around you are right there with that same outstretched hand. You never shun me for being lost, you wait patiently and you find me when I want to be found. You are a gentleman and would never force me into your arms or get all up in my face demanding I accept your love, but instead wait for me to find my way to you with your gentle whispers to guide me as well as the people and experiences you put in my path.
Even thought I try hard, I still mess up. I blow it. I could sit in that shame and guilt when I blow it beating myself up for _________ (insert shame and accusations) and I can hide from you in my ugliness as Adam and Eve did (that’s my take on what that story is really about anyway, that we are gonna mess up and its the running that is really bad not the messing up). Or I can just realize you already know, you know I am human, you know I’m dumb and I blow it, that’s why I need you. Now, I run straight for your arms and I’m brutally honest with You and with myself when I mess up…again. Found. Again and again.
Of course, we should all try our best to not cause pain to ourselves or others, to listen to our conscience, to be the good we wish to see in the world, the salt and light. We should do the hard work, be our best selves. But, we will fail. We will get lost. We are human. We can experience God most deeply and profoundly in our brokenness. I think brokenness is so beautiful because if we weren’t all broken in some way, we wouldn’t need God. “Why does God allow suffering, allow atrocities, etc.?” is often used as proof that no Higher Power exists at all. I do not agree with this viewpoint. Have you ever learned something you would have never been able to learn from suffering or a traumatic experience? I have. Post-traumatic growth fascinates me and other researchers. Trauma doesn’t just cause PTSD and debilitate people. Trauma can fuel growth in a way that almost nothing else can. If we can stop lamenting our pain and instead seek the purpose, seek to grow, seeking a higher power in it then we can grow stronger in every way. Or we can use it as evidence that hope and growth from pain and a plan or purpose for our pain is just a bunch of bologna. Either way, one thing everyone can agree on is the universal nature of brokenness and a need for healing. Healing for ourselves, healing for our families and loved ones, healing for communities, systems that perpetuate injustice, healing for all for all of the violence and pain in this world. May our own brokenness connect us with the brokenness of others just like all of those coats hanging on the “Lost and Found” rack at school. May we all be found. By each other, by our higher power. Again and again. Day after day as we wing it through our brokenness and this broken world seeking healing.